Tuk Tuk mafia and the girly boys

I didn’t sleep well my first night in Bangkok. I prefer to call it jetlag, but it was really critter paranoia. I have read just enough about hotel/hostel bed bugs to mix up the facts and totally freak myself out. And then there are the mosquitoes. I went for my vacation vaccinations (funny how it sounds like it’s repelling the travel itself) and the doctor showed me maps indicating the amount of risk of malaria in the places I would be travelling to. Call me crazy, but it wasn’t very convincing to see a clear circle around Bangkok indicating a ‘malaria clear zone’ surrounded by high risk malaria areas. Umm, mosquitoes fly, doctor. Let’s just say I am deeted up. Night one, so far so good.

So with my deet lotion and sun block cream, I entered the 100 degree weather already completely slimy. It took me back to my few sessions of Bikram yoga. No, it wasn’t that bad, but I was able to basically ignore the sweat dripping down my calves and back like I would not have been able to do in the past. On my way out of the hotel, I stopped at the front desk to reserve a room for an upcoming one night stay I would have in Bangkok as I transition from southern to northern Thailand. I am gradually trying to be a little more easygoing with my planning, but so far it is smacking me in the face. The hotel I am so thoroughly enjoying is completely booked for the night I am stopping through. Enter Dave.

A man, very clearly American, overhears my conversation with the nice, but unapologetic man at the front desk and starts reeling off directions to another hotel. My first thought was, “Here we go Rick Steves (not a fan of that man, but will begrudgingly admit that I like his travel clothesline, but I digress.).” My second thought was, “Thank you God. I can stop freaking out now.” After the second ‘turn right’, I was lost and he totally picked up on it so I was completely delighted when he offered to show me the way since he and his wife were headed that way anyway. Thank you, Sharon and Dave. Hope the rest of your trip is wonderful.

They quickly started peppering me with travel tips and orientation facts. Then Dave grabs me by the arm and drags me out into traffic. Well, not quite. We were nearing a part of the sidewalk that was under construction so we were going to have to walk in the street. He told me, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand your ground and take it slow.” His sudden graveness put me on alert, but I couldn’t help, but think this was no worse than a Dutch city during rush hour. Crossing the street in front of our neighborhood grocery store is much scarier. Maybe I’ve just been lucky so far. We found the hotel they recommended and our paths departed just as quickly as they’d crossed. They said their daughter had travelled alone like I am and had had help along the way from nice strangers so they were paying the favor forward.

Part of Dave’s advice had been to avoid tuk tuk’s if possible and just pay the little bit extra for an air conditioned taxi. He followed it up by mentioning that, if I did want to try it, I should cover my nose and mouth to filter out the car exhaust and warned me of a scam I’d read about, but could hardly believe. A common scam here is for a man to approach you asking you what you would like to see. When you name a temple or shrine or something, he will try to convince you that it is closed today due to a public holiday. Acting like he is trying to help you, he will offer you to organize a tuk tuk ride for you (or he will be a driver himself). In route to taking you to this new tourist attraction he has talked you into (or it may be your desired spot if he can’t possibly state that it’s closed), he will stop at his friend’s shopping center or store and basically hold you hostage and refuse to drive you anywhere until you buy something. It’s so popular that signs are posted in hotels and the airport to this regard. It seems so obvious and warned about to me, that it seemed more like an urban myth to me.

Sure enough, though, as I was waving down a taxi (for the air conditioning) to take me to a big shopping center to look for some IT stuff (an all in one re-charger that apparently has not been invented yet, but I didn’t know that at the time), a man approached me and asked me where I wanted to go. I told him a shrine next to the mall I wanted to go to…probably because I could pronounce it better than the name of the shopping center. He asked me if I wanted to pray and I said no and he told me that it wasn’t possible to enter the shrine unless I was there to pray. So, to me, the shrine was as good as closed. Then starts the, “I can take you to better places” schpeel. I couldn’t believe it. I was so curious to hear what I thought of as an urban myth play out that I let him talk a little longer. I just kept repeating that I wanted a taxi and, luckily, one pulled up right away.

That’s when I met Chalor. I only know his name because he gave me his business card so I can call him if I need anymore rides during my stay. Does anyone else besides me take this as a clear sign that I have just been ripped off? Why else would he want my repeat business unless I was paying stupid money? I’m new to the city so I chalk up the extra money to a learning experience. I tried to make back part of the overpricing on the ride back to my hotel from the shopping center by shaving 50 baht off the rate I wanted for the cab fare. I ended up only saving 30 baht in the end (about $0.75 for those keeping track) because I didn’t have the exact fare and he magically had no change (I think the biggest scam going down in Bangkok that, by the way, Dave did warn me about, but, again, I didn’t really believe at first.).

During our 45 minute car ride across town, after he tries to convince me that, indeed, I will like Thailand so much that I will stay here and not go home, he points towards a tuk tuk approaching beside us with three twenty something Anglo-Saxon men in it and insights, “Mafia!” “They are the tuk tuk mafia!” I don’t quite understand him at first. Is he saying “My finger”? Can’t be. Mafia like Tony Soprano? I can’t see that little three wheeled bicycle with a motor striking fear into the hearts of law enforcement and law abiding 7-11 and massage parlor owners. Then he explains how they organize themselves with shopkeepers to force a sale on tourists and there reputation for taking clients on trips four times as long as necessary to justify a huge fare. In the next breath, though, he is trying to convince me that I am not staying in a safe neighborhood and that the neighborhood where his friend happens to manage a very nice, cheap hotel is much safer and better for shopping. Hmmm, who’s Tony now? I took his card and got out, thankful for the air conditioning and in guiding me to one of dozens of seven story shopping centers in the area, the one comprised entirely of IT stuff, otherwise known as Gadgetland.

A few doors down from Gadgetland, Chalor had recommended I look in one of the shopping malls dedicated entirely to clothing. “Cheap, cheap” was the exact recommendation if I remember it right. He should have mentioned the people watching…and the floor devoted entirely to purses and shoes. What would my sisters and I have done on a trip to Bangkok? Shopped ‘til we dropped in this and several other shopping centers like it. My second realization was that, instead of worrying about buying clothes and travel stuff while in The Netherlands and the U.S., I should have devoted that energy to daily Bikram yoga, lost five kilos and treated myself to a Thai shopping spree at a fraction of the price I paid. That wouldn’t have changed my feeling like a giant, though. If I had a nickel for every time I doubled over trying to get out of the way of a shopkeeper or shopper jutting out from a store in front of me… And they are all so gorgeous. I know, one should avoid stereotyping, but does that apply to compliments?

Just as I was admiring how pretty, skinny, and well put together the young woman in front of me on the escalator was, she flipped open her phone and revealed her bedroom voice. She was a he. I nearly fell off the escalator I was so stunned. I’d heard of the lady boy shows here, but I didn’t expect to see so many people in drag during the day and, frankly, to look so damn good. And sure enough, they were everywhere. Sexual ambiguity must be all the rage in Thailand or at least on Wednesdays in the Platinum Fashion Mall. It seemed the more made-up the woman, the more likely she was cross dressing. There were also a lot of people with longish, uber-stylish bobs, tight designer t-shirts and skinny jeans that could have passed for either sex. And, to a lesser extent, there were also women dressing more masculine. It was fascinating!

I remember a rule my girl friends and I had in college about boys. We agreed that a final decision could not be made on a guy's looks until we saw him without his baseball cap on. The rule here instead should be that a girl is not really a girl until after she speaks. Knowing Bangkok has for decades been a popular spot for the enlisted’s R&R, I wonder if that was part of the advice given to GIs.

Tomorrow, I hit the tourist hot spots - the reclining and emerald buddhas and backpacker land, Khao San Road. I promise, more pictures tomorrow.